When Your Parents Have A Better Sex Life Than You…

I can only start this post off with, “I hate my life.”

This is embarrassing and icky, but too funny to not be shared. So my parents have always had the reputation of being “frisky” among my friends. Mostly because my mom was always so obnoxious and so excited about me leaving the house. Sometimes she would bribe me and my sister to leave. I mean, it makes sense. My parents are both very good looking, healthy people. But DAMN, why me?! (I’ve said this about six hundred times, but I’ll reiterate, I haven’t had sex in like the past three years. Ok, maybe a few times but nothing ah-maz-ing or incredibly life changing. Mainly things I’d like to forget. So at this point I just pretend like sex doesn’t exist and I’m ok with that.)

Ok, I guess I should give you kind of a description. My dad is 61 but looks 50, except for his silver fox hair. He’s tall and jacked. He has a six pack. It’s actually ridiculous. And my mom is 53 but looks about 8 years younger, she goes to the gym everyday so she’s pretty fit but she’s got a ba-donk and boobs that I definitely did not inherit. She is, in a word, a MILF. This has been confirmed for me several times by high school and college age guys. And as icky as that is, I’m ok with it because it means that I am going to be a milf, because we look… related. Actually as a child I always thought my mom was the most beautiful woman ever, and even with my more developed ideas of beauty now I still think my mom is gorgeous. I hope I look like that at 53. End description.

This reputation of my frisky parents only got about a hundred times worse after a family cruise we went on a month ago. It was the actual night of my parent’s 32nd wedding anniversary, which also happened to be formal night, and in the worst shared decision of our lives, my sister and I convinced my parents to sign up for the Newlywed Game, and of course they got picked because it was their 32nd anniversary and my dad was in a tux and looked like a little silver fox, so they obviously made the perfect “been married forever” contestants.

F*ck. My. Life. This “game” was a LOT more risque than I had ever anticipated and my sister and I were scarred for life. Not only did we squirm like the sequined disco ball highlighted specimens of schadenfreude that we were, but for the next few days, EVERYWHERE WE WENT people made comments to my dad about how they saw the show and how my dad was awesome. In the elevator, on the beach, at dinner… it was awful. My sister and I were like ‘HELLO we are here and can you please not remind us that our 61 and 53 year old parents are little horny rabbits? Ok thanks.’ People even remembered my parents’ first names. That’s how out of hand it got. I actually felt LESS slutty in comparison by the time the cruise was over.

Anyway, of course I told all of my friends this story in a long, more detailed email. I had a friend come over last night and whilst we were out for ice cream, I told him the story. Ugh. So of course, we come back to my house, to like watch tv on my couch or in my basement, and I did not warn my mom via text. She had been joking about me “being out” that night and I don’t know, every other time I come home they’re sitting on the couch watching Suze Orman or something, I didn’t think she was serious. I told her we were going for ice cream! I cream only takes like an hour for god’s sake!

So my gentleman friend and I come home and immediately I wanted to show him my “extreme couponing stockpile” which is essentially a closet packed to the brim with cake mix and aluminum foil in my basement. I am a nerd. Get over it. So I figure my parents are upstairs, I open the door to the basement and realize that I am very, very mistaken. I smell a candle, I can see it flickering, and I don’t hear any freakin sound coming from the enormous surround sound system in our basement that accompanies the movie screen. Enter immediate dread. So I call down, “Mom? Are you watching a movie?” And simultaneously my mom says yes and my dad says no. Apparently they are not used to getting caught. So I kind of shudder, slam the door, and bring my friend up to the fourth floor of our house as quickly as possible. I cannot get enough space between me and my parents at this moment in my life. And he was joking that they were banging and I was like oh my godddd shut uppppppp because I really knew that they had to have been. The simultaneous yes and no was the giveaway.

And then I’m like OH MY GOD MY BASEMENT is so dirty! The basement is where we keep guests when they sleep over, including boyfriends (except for that one time when I thought I was ruler of the house and forced my ex boyfriend to sleep in my bed in defiance of my parents and then that was not such a good idea for political relations in this house. They did not like him. I do not recommend it), so obviously if you’re not the owners of this house, and you’re not home alone, the basement is like the love lair. Also I was kind of perturbed that they’d take over the basement like that. Hello, if you’re allowed to bang in your bedroom- why you gotta go take over my basement? You sluts?! Ugh. Also- I know what’s happened down there, I can only assume what my sister has brought to our basement, and I KNOW that some of my friends and her friends have done it down there. I will never go down there with a blacklight, I assure you.

I’m shuddering as I write this. Anyway, so Sir Guest and I steer clear of the downstairs until I know my parents are sleeping. Not because I was going to break the celibacy streak but because I just did not want to see their faces. Eventually we moved down to the first floor, which is all too close to the basement, and I tried to forget about it.

Cut to this morning- I come home from the (wrong) mall, and my mom has awakened from her be-a-u-ty sleep and is sitting at the kitchen table. Immediately she’s like “YOU COULD HAVE WARNED ME” and goes into a hysterical fit of giggles. I can’t even look at her. It’s especially funny to her because I talk about how it’s not right that they are like horny little children and I’m 25, in the prime of my life, with relatively new, really expensive boobs, and am like a born again virgin. It’s not funny. Even the dogs have sex and they’re both boys. My life is a mockery. Then, as I’m making myself some pasta and she just won’t leave the kitchen and keeps bursting out into spontaneous fits of giggles, I’m like…. “You know, I knew. I knew because you both suck and can’t even corroborate a good alibi. ‘Are you watching a movie?…. Simultaneous yes/no. Good job guys.”  I wanted to expand on this from my extensive knowledge of being walked-in-on, but in my better judgement, I stopped myself.

And then the worst possible thing happens. My dad comes up from the basement and all of a sudden it is my mom, my dad, and myself in one room. I scream out in mental anguish and cover my face with my sweatshirt. I just keep yelling “NOOO go upstairss!!! Go upstairsss!” And my dad does, because he knows exactly why I’m yelling, because he’s laughing.

And that is why I am barricading myself in my room for the rest of the day and getting a job this week so I’m never home for the rest of my life.

Also, I need to mention that this was the closest I ever came (to my knowledge) of walking in on my parents. And it better stay that way. Because if I ever actually witnessed anything I would have no choice but to burn my eyes out with a hot poker and live off disability for the rest of my days. That is the plan.

Did I mention that I need to move out?

If you would like to buy me sympathy VS lingere for future sexytimes, feel free.

Disclaimer: An always willing and ready participant just texted me about this no-sex thing, I thought it could be assumed that the reason I don’t have sex is a choice. Sorry, I thought that the assumption that I am not desperate to have sex with just anyone was already CLEAR from the fact that I am awesome. My bad.

*checks ego at the door*